un-zen

As I sit at work, awaiting...dreading...the next massage, I can't help but wish I were anywhere else but here right now. Preferably my bed...or the couch would suffice.

Don't get me wrong...I truly love my job. On most days, giving someone relief from that aching shoulder, lumbar, sciatic...or whatever ailment they may have, brings me joy. But, today...this whole week really...I'm just not feeling it.

I don't know what it is. Maybe it's how slow it's been lately has made me unmotivated. Or, it could be, the 6 day a week work schedule I had last month and now again this month. Or maybe it's the growing number of stupid, arrogant people that I keep receiving as clients. Well, that last one may just be a default thought of not wanting to work in the first place...but it sure doesn't help!!

But, for now, I will suck it up. My next client has arrived. Time to strap on my lotion holster and a happy face.

revived

Praise the Lord. Sing to the Lord a new song, his praise in the assembly of the saints.
psalms 149.1




So I've been feeling a little out of sorts lately. I mean, it's been a year of great highs and lows for me. My car was repossessed, I was fired from applebees after working there for 7 years and was evicted from my apartment. On the other end of the spectrum, I graduated from SWFC for Massage Therapy, got a job at Zen Massage and passed the national board for massage (i'm still waiting on the Florida board of health to issue me my license though...). Ryan and Joey were nice enough to take me in during this rough time. While it can be a bit cramped and I'm sure I get on their nerves quite a bit...I can't even begin to explain how grateful I am. I don't know what I'd do right now without Ryan's help.


Even with things beginning to look up, I couldn't help but feeling a little lost. Yes, I now had a plan. I knew what I had to do to get my life back together and get back on my feet. It's a daunting task. I've put myself in this position of financial despair, and while I know what I need to do get out of it, it's not going to be an easy task. Nor is it going to happen overnight.


So to combat this feeling of being lost, I knew there was only one place to turn. Jesus. I have always been religious and had a strong faith...though sometimes stronger than others. Since moving to Tampa over 6 years ago, I hadn't found a church that I felt 'at home' in. I honestly hadn't really tried that hard. It had somehow lost it's priority. I still read my bible, listened to my Christian cds and radio stations and prayed regularly...but that's not enough.


I've tried 3 churches in Tampa. The 1st was Idlewild. A girl, Mandy, who worked at Full Moon with me went there. It was a really nice church...but so big!! They actually have shuttles from the main service to sunday schools. It'd be really easy to go unnoticed there. I went a few times...but it was just too big. The 2nd was 1st Baptist of Lutz. I really like it there...but I tried it when I didn't have transportation. So I could only go when Lauren (old room-mate) or Josh (ex-boyfriend) wanted to go. While the congregation was friendly, I felt it may take some time before I made any real friends there or really felt at home.


That brings me to the 3rd church. Church at the Bay. I've only been once so far, but I loved it!! The music was a live band that played very contemporary music...like hillsong...one of my favorites. It was a very relaxed and welcoming atmosphere. Pastor Hal is an awesome speaker. He's down to earth, funny and inspiring. I also met some awesome people. Everyone was so friendly. I went by myself and was a little nervous that I'd feel out of place because I didn't know anyone. Not the case at all. I met 3-4 people before I even got to my seat. It's a non-denominational church, which I love! Annnd it's in walking distance of Ryan's apartment. It literally took me 4 minutes to get there. On my checklist of what I like in a church, Church at the Bay met and surpassed each one! I can't wait to go back! If anyone would like to join me, I'd love to have you!


I finally feel fulfilled. I feel back on track. I want to be a good Christian. I want to better my life. I can do all things through Jesus Christ.




How many times have I turned away
The number is the same as the sand on the shore

But every time You've taken me back

And now I pray You do it once more

Please take from me my life

When I don't have the strength

To give it away to You, Jesus
How many times have I turned away

The number is the same as the stars in the sky

But every time You've taken me back

And now I pray You do it tonight.
-Take My Life by Third Day

broken

How can you say you love someone one day and cut them out of your life completely the next? Was is it all a lie? I don't understand how one fight can tear apart something that seemed so real. I don't understand how at this age you would ignore your significant other. I thought he loved me. I thought he cared for me. I thought he wanted to be with me. I thought I had found happiness. I guess i thought wrong.

i gave you my love in vain

my body never knew such pleasure

my heart never knew such pain

you leave me so confused

now i'm all cried out over you

when it rains, it pours

So just when I thought it couldn't get any worse...I go downstairs to take the dog out and get the mail before class and my car is hooked up to a tow truck. Apparently my car is an eye-sore and the apartment complex wants it towed. Yeah, it's a little smashed up, but it drives perfectly fine. I don't have $2,500 to fix it!! So I give him $50 to take it off the tow bed. I don't have $50 to spare. I guess it's better than paying $150 to get it out of the lot.

So then I look inside the car...my whole dash is ripped out. No more cd player. More money that's needed to go into the stupid car.

I don't know what i'm going to do. It's like everytime I blink someone else wants money. I'll be living on the streets in no time at this rate. I just want to crawl in a hole and die.

...and then there was one

So, I quit the forum on thursday. I'm back down to one job. I don't think I've gone more than a month with less than 2 jobs in 4 years. School will keep me busy though. I have been getting so stressed out lately. There's just so much stuff going on! I think this will be better.

I need the money, but I can always pick up more shifts at the bee! Don't be surprised if you see me serving now!! Guess I'll have to go buy new khakis! haha

We'll see how long this lasts...I'll probably be itching for another job in a couple of weeks...it's only been 2 days so far! I've gotten alot of stuff done that I just wouldn't have been able to take care of if I had worked the acc tournament though. So it'll be good!

It'll be easier for me to focus on school and get all my homework done in ample time and with all the weddings coming up, it's just so much easier to request off one job rather than 2 or 3. Something always gets screwed up. Plus for the next quarter (april 2nd-june 17th) I only have classes tuesdays and thursdays so that works out nicely!

Plus, now I can go to games if I want, not that I really went before, and the season's almost over...but whatever! I still have the option now! Go Devils!